what’d she say?

Me: It’s so thick. I can’t!
G: That’s what she said

G: Hurry up
Me: Dude, I’m trying but whichever way I go at it, it gets all over my mouth
G: That’s what she said

I had effortlessly set up the best opportunity for a raunchy “That’s What She Said” joke ever. I laughed really hard for about two minutes straight which made my friend laugh too. It was a good joke and he had earned a reaction like that from me. He should be proud. We were eating pizza on someone’s dirty steps on a rare 70 degree day in March and now I’ll never forget it.

If you haven’t been, definitely check out Artichoke (my favorite location’s the one on E. 14th Street) and don’t get anything other than their signature, thick crust pizza (artichoke hearts, spinach, cream sauce, and cheesy goodness). Your tastebuds will thank you and then you’ll thank me.

cindex

I had a discussion with a friend about Sandra Bullock and how she’s aged extremely well. I made an innocent comment about how I hoped to look that good at 47 but probably wouldn’t, (mostly because I don’t have my own hair stylist, make-up artist, or the best dermatologist money can buy) and he flipped out on me in the most brilliant way possible so I just have to share it.

“YES YOU WILL BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Shut up because everyone I know who knows you thinks you are beautiful and you get a billion guys so there is literally no way you could possibly think you are ugly. GET IT?  Like, it actually isn’t possible for you to think you are because you get attention from guys and gay guys think you’re pretty and girls think you’re pretty. Literally NO ONE THINKS YOU’RE UGLY LIKE NO ONE IT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE. DON’T ARGUE WITH ME because I am right. I am always right. Every time you say you’re ugly I’m going to slap you. It’ll be like training a dog with a water bottle. When they bark or are bad you spray them and change their behavior. THAT IS MY SOLUTION WITH YOU. You need to be trained. I’m bringing a spray bottle with me every time I see you. Just wait until we’re out and you see a bottle that says ‘Cindex’ to clean up your ridiculousness.”

I sat there laughing as he tried to talk some sense into me. He’s the cutest and I love him dearly. Hopefully the “Cindex” works and is totally streak-free or something. My friends and family want nothing more than for me to see what they see but it’s always been insanely tough for me. Only those really close to me know the extent of it. I think I have the personality to charm most people but maybe one day I’ll gain some confidence in my looks.

the epiphany

I went out in Center City last night with a friend and we were making drinks before heading into a bar. She handed me a third shot full of rum and then topped it off with a small drop of Sprite. It happened to make the most clear “plop” noise and we both agreed it sounded like what we do on our toilets. For whatever reason, we found it so funny that I made her do it two or three more times as we tried to quiet our giggles just to hear it. We were shaking from laughing and spilled our drinks everywhere. I could literally feel my motor skills deteriorate and dignity fade with each shot that made its way down my throat.

I really enjoy going out but I’ve never been much of a heavy drinker like everyone else I hang out with because I loathe the taste of alcohol, it makes my face turn bright red, I usually (key word: usually) like to be fully aware of my actions, and I possess the rare ability to have the best time while sober.

Yet at that very moment, laughing about something so juvenile, I felt like I could understand why the rest of the world likes to drink so much and how lucky I am to have friends to laugh about things like that with. Cheers to the start of me finally joining my friends in alcoholism. Maybe.

so this is what butterflies feel like

I’ve somehow managed to go out on a lot of dates, especially upon becoming single again this past fall but last night I was lucky enough to experience the best date of my life. He took me to a Hibachi place on Walnut Street and we were browsing the menu when seven white 27 year old males suddenly appeared out of nowhere and sat down at our table. They looked at my guy and jokingly apologized for crashing our date. Next thing you know, we were getting rowdy with them and they bought us a round of sake. We were yelling and cheering for our chef and taking more shots of sake straight to our mouths from a squirt bottle. I thought this type of bonding only happened in movies. Apparently one of the guys in their group was going to China on business for a week and wanted “one last American meal” yet they somehow ended up at Hibachi.

I actually snapped a picture of one of the guys since he held his mouth open the longest so the friend sitting closest to me and I exchanged numbers b/c he wanted a copy. We all made a toast to “seeing that picture in its original form for the last time” since they had plans to get creative with photoshopping the right side of the photo.

Here it is:

Once we were done with dinner, my date proudly held my hand and put his arms around my shoulder while walking around the city. A friendly homeless man came up to us and said to me, “This guy doesn’t think he’s the luckiest guy in the city tonight. He knows it! Triple E never lie, I ain’t no hater. Beautiful couple.” We generously threw a tip into his beanie for the kind and hilarious words.

Afterwards he took me to the top of the art museum’s steps in his car for an incredible view of the city. I’ve lived outside of here my whole life and remember rollerblading around the museum but have never seen it at night. In ways, it sort of took my breath away so by this point I felt like I was floating on cloud nine.

I just met this guy a week ago and he absolutely killed it on our second date. Even on the night that we first met, we sat and happily conversed at a table in a crowded bar. (That is until my one very intoxicated friend stumbled into our booth and ruined our moment. I thought it was really funny regardless.) My point is, I’ve gotten to know some great guys but I never meet guys I’m genuinely into or that impressed by so my friends were stunned when I kept raving about him. I’ve always been a bit of a realist or cynic so if it seems too good to be true, it usually is. Timing is huge. In this case I’m moving and I insist on avoiding long distance relationships (also known as anything more than a 45 minute drive).

Ultimately, I would like to see anyone even try to top this date though. My standards are higher than ever. I will maybe end up marrying the man who does. Men of New York, I’m ready to date you and probably be disappointed by you. As cliche as it is, I’m looking for butterflies and I won’t settle for anything less than how blissful I felt on this date. I don’t want to fall in love. When the hell was falling a good thing? I’d much rather float in love. Ha, I’ve discovered that I do have a romantic side in me after all.

pinch me

Two weeks left. Unreal.

I’m pretty stoked and find comfort in knowing that I’m only a train ride away but I’m really going to miss all my friends. I’m going to miss this laid back city, the philaburbs, and all the great times I’ve had around here. I’m even going to miss driving. Wawa too…can’t forget that.